Joan Becomes Pope
Feast of the Holy Guardian Angels
SETTING:
The Public Square of the Lateran.
AT RISE:
The HOLY GHOST stands, holding aloft the seal of ANASTASIUS' papacy.
The triple tiara sits before HIM. The PRIESTS and CARDINALS are all gathered.
LOUIS is also present. The PEOPLE OF ROME stand on the sidelines.
NICHOLAS
It is time once again, dear brothers, to open ourselves to the grace of
Our Lord and seek His guidance in the election of a new pope. Nominations, gentlemen?
LOUIS
Cardinal John wishes to speak.
JOAN
Not at present.
(to LOUIS)
I promised I would vote for him, not nominate him.
If you negotiate, Louis, you must learn to finesse the details.
LOUIS
I nominate Cardinal-Bishop Nicholas.
(more boos and hisses)
OLD CARDINAL
Unheard of! Only Cardinals may elect the pope.
LOUIS
Only Cardinals may vote for the pope.
I merely placed his name before you.
NICHOLAS
A fine-but-salient point of Canon Law. And, as we are all at King Louis' disposal,
perhaps we may proceed with the vote straight away.
OLD CARDINAL
I cast my vote for Cardinal Nicholas.
SECOND CARDINAL
I cast my vote for Cardinal Nicholas.
(JOAN steps forward.)
JOAN
I ... cast my vote for --
(LUCIUS interrupts.)
LUCIUS
I nominate Cardinal John.
(CROWD goes wild. Visible consternation among the CARDINALS.)
JOAN
Lucius -- no!
LUCIUS
Your Graces, behold! Do any amongst you reveal the aura of selection more
clearly than Cardinal John? Have you not heard of his miraculous ability to heal the sick?
I have witnessed it with my own eyes! Have you not seen how he carries Christ's word to
the people and is well-loved by them for it?
(Cries of "John! John! John!" come from the CROWD.)
Are there any among you fit to wear the crown of St. Peter save him? I tell you there is not!
(LUCIUS takes up the cry with the CROWD.)
NICHOLAS
(to LOUIS)
Call in your armies! This crowd will tear us to pieces!
JOAN
(to LOUIS)
Please, Louis -- stop this.
LOUIS
If only I could, Your Graces. But it seems your unwashed rabble have spoken,
Cardinal John.
NICHOLAS
But ... but ... my election --
LOUIS
My regrets, old man.
(NICHOLAS turns away stunned.)
JOAN
(to LOUIS)
NoNo -- you must elect Nicholas.
LOUIS
Why should I settle for a Jack when I can have a Queen?
(speaking to the CROWD)
We wish it known that we will support the wishes of the Roman people.
OLD CARDINAL
Then, in the ancient way, let us proclaim the new pontiff by acclamation.
All those in support of Cardinal-Priest John, make yourselves known.
(The CARDINALS voice THEIR support by joining the deafening chant of JOHN's name.)
NICHOLAS
By Christ's Blood, it is truly the Will of God that you stand here today.
John Anglicus, do you accept election?
(JOAN turns upstage, makes eye contact with the HOLY GHOST, who smiles. SHE turns and
all is silent.)
Do you accept election?
JOAN
I accept.
ALL HABEMUS PAPAM. HABEMUS PAPAM. ALLELUIA.
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