Pope Joan
Opening Scene
SETTING:
LOUIS' bedroom at Aix-la-Chapelle (now, Aachen, Germany.)
AT RISE:
Lights rise. The bed is large and ornate, piled with blankets and animal skins. LOUIS,
half-dressed, lounges in the bed, while JOAN, in priestly robes, instructs him. A bell tolls.
JOAN
And so, my Lord, the nature of today's feast leads us directly to the concept ... of?
LOUIS
(bored)
Yes, yes, "Brother John," to the Immaculate Conception of our Lord Jesus Christ, etcetera,
etcetera.
JOAN
No, my Lord, although it hardly need be stated that Our Lord was conceived without sin.
Rather, the Immaculate Conception refers to the conception of the Blessed Virgin herself,
so she would be an unsullied vessel for the Saviour.
LOUIS
So many words for something which hardly needs stating.
JOAN
It is this mystery which reveals the terrible and sublime power of the Holy Ghost,
which elevates womankind to a true spiritual purpose for the first time. Hail Mary, full of grace ...
LOUIS
Small wonder it captivates you so.
JOAN
My Lord?
(looking at him for the first time)
Pray clothe yourself. It is unseemly to speak of Holy Mysteries in such a state.
LOUIS
(suggestively)
Then let us speak of something else.
JOAN
Louis ...
LOUIS
(taking HER hand)
As you are my confessor, Brother John, it is your duty to know the blackest desires of my heart.
JOAN
But only if you repent of them.
LOUIS
Then release me. Humbly I beg for the privilege of a penance.
JOAN
Stop.
LOUIS
I thought you liked our little game, Joan.
(touching HER garment)
Was it not thus that I first discovered your secret?
JOAN
(pushing HIM away)
Enough.
(HE grabs the arm SHE uses to push HIM away.
SHE parries and THEY begin to wrestle, falling
to the ground. SHE ends up on top of HIM, pinning HIM.)
Concede?
LOUIS
I am bested, Joan. Claim your prize.
JOAN
Scoundrel.
(SHE raises HIS face to HERS and kisses HIM passionately. HE uses THEIR embrace to
continue THEIR wrestling match. The next lines are spoken as THEY tussle.)
LOUIS
What heaven, Joan, that you should have learned to wrestle like such a man!
JOAN
How else could I keep my brothers in the monastery at bay?
(LOUIS has now pinned HER.)
LOUIS
Then let us be brothers. Late at night, I am the young acolyte,
come creeping into your bed, seeking warmth in the dark.
(singing softly)
Blessed art thou among women ...
(THEY begin to kiss, pulling off EACH OTHER's clothes.
When JOAN is nearly undressed,
MARTINE enters, addressing THEM through an "invisible" door.)
MARTINE
My Lord, you must awake.
JOAN
Martine!
(moving to hide)
Where to hide?
MARTINE
My Lord?
LOUIS
(to JOAN, as HE raises the covers)
Here!
(JOAN tries to hide under the blankets.)
MARTINE
(more impatient)
My Lord!
(Tired of waiting, SHE enters.)
LOUIS
This had best be urgent.
MARTINE
There is news from Rome. The pope is dead.
LOUIS
God rest his soul.
MARTINE
Amen! Will you then to Rome?
LOUIS
With all speed! The time has arrived when I will continue my father's work.
MARTINE
I'll see your company prepared.
(SHE crosses to the door and sees JOAN's robes on the floor.
SHE picks them up.)
LOUIS
(slapping the conspicuous hump under the covers)
and you, Brother John, should return to your father's work.
(MARTINE pulls the covers back, revealing JOAN. MARTINE makes a slightly disgusted
sound.)
MARTINE
Brother John!
(to LOUIS)
To think that I should live to see the great-grandson of Charlemagne so unnaturally engaged.
LOUIS
That could easily be remedied, old woman.
MARTINE
(as SHE exits)
Praise heaven your dear mother did not live to see you thus.
LOUIS
Get out. And knock next time.
JOAN
Was that necessary?
LOUIS
No. But it was amusing.
(JOAN guiltily begins to gather HER scattered clothes.)
Joan, you must indeed then be a priest. So quick to piss upon your pleasure with prayers and guilt.
JOAN
You'd be none the worse to spend some time on your knees.
LOUIS
I kneel only for priests, popes and pretty boys.
JOAN
You knelt to me once that first day at court.
LOUIS
You qualified on two counts. Or so I believed.
JOAN
You knew from the start, didn't you?
LOUIS
I suspected. Either way, a pleasure. Like a gift, the unwrapping was half the delight.
JOAN
And what if I had refused you?
LOUIS
I would have still said ... nothing. Quite curious, what you elicit from me.
JOAN
It is just as well you are to Rome. This may sit prettily on your conscience,
but it weighs heavily on mine.
LOUIS
Enough guilt! How is it that only you are called to live without the physical
release every man takes as his due?
JOAN
Because my Lord asks it of me.
LOUIS
And how know you this?
JOAN
Because it is the hardest thing for me to give.
LOUIS
Is that all?
JOAN
The Holy Ghost has marked me for His purposes.
I am to share myself with no other.
LOUIS
What a religion we believe! The infidel -- they have it right.
Believe or die. One has to admire the simplicity.
JOAN
You will be better off without me.
LOUIS
Perhaps. But methinks I shall take you with me.
JOAN
No! They would know. Here, perhaps,
I have succeeded in this deception, but in the Holy City --
LOUIS
They will be the blindest of all.
JOAN
We will speak of this later.
LOUIS
You will go. I need you with me if I am to persuade the next pope to make me emperor.
And in truth, I cannot resist seeing you there in Saint Peter's, receiving my rather
lengthy and shocking litany of confessions.
JOAN
Blasphemous.
LOUIS
Very. What better reason to have a priest in constant attendance than to be seeing to my salvation?
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