[Mb-civic] report from ground zero

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Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos 
No electricity for 26 minutes. 'This is our Tsunami.' 
By Joshua Gates. Actor, Photographer. Victim
LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and disbelief 
swept through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a 
minor power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone, and 
local residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.
The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon 
coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms 
and sushi restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes 
and many businesses were illuminated only by the light of the 
sun and its blistering 78 degree heat. "It was horrible," said out 
of work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a 
Jamba Juice on Melrose when it, hit and the blenders simply 
shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and 
after that, well, it got pretty ugly."
In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted conflicting 
reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering 
relief supplies.
Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica 
and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a
totally meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83 
years old, and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks was 
going to be up and running. If she doesn't get a venti Arabian 
Mocha Sanani, I don't know what's going to happen to her; I 
really don't." said Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz.
To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to 
get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial 
sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the Raw? Are you friggin' kidding 
me?" sobbed local homosexual and avid salsa dancer, Enrique 
Santoro. "I'm on the South Beach Diet, and my insulin levels 
are going to go crazy if I use this. Why isn't the rest of the 
country doing something?"
Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the 
thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and 
upscale shopping centers, including The Beverly Center, where 
a policeman told CNN that unrest was escalating. The officer 
expressed concern that the situation could worsen overnight 
after patrons defaced multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" 
posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en 
masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.
At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel 
in a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be 
sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft 
omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was 
being airlifted in by The National Guard. Thank heavens.
Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of 
embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on 
Larchmont that, "The scope and scale of this disaster is almost 
too much to comprehend. Local carwashes are at a stand-still, 
the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost 
an hour now, and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh 
with a side of green beans for upwards of 15 minutes. This truly 
is our Tsunami."
"We want to accommodate those people suffering in The 
Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple reason that 
they have been through a horrible ordeal," Grant said. 
"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb 
bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands 
trapped in The Beverly Center when the escalators stopped 
moving. "They need to start sending somebody through here."
Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing 
writers to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay 
material, causing DirecTV service to work only intermittently 
and forcing local residents to walk outside and look helplessly 
at the breathtaking Pacific from their ocean view decks. "I can 
hardly begin to put this experience into words," said seasoned 
Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein . "I was just getting 
into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene 
where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball 
players, when my Power Book crapped out. I have nothing. 
Simply, nothing."
Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House, 
President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 
additional active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims 
and praised relief workers.
"But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a 
crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created 
tremendous problems,"he said. "The result is that many of our 
citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in 
the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."
"Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt they will 
bounce back like this never happened," professed Cellulite 
Reduction Specialist, Kim Bellevue. "The therapy sessions 
could reach an all time high though."



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